Tell me if this sounds familiar.
You say you're going to write/go for a walk/declutter your closet/grade papers/start that project/make dinner/do that scary-exciting thing, but when the time comes you talk yourself out of it because you’re tired/pissed off/stressed/overwhelmed/the moon is in retrograde/etc.
I’m REALLY good at justifying the procrastination of myself and others. Like, really good. Like you need a reason why you shouldn’t do laundry or grade those papers? I’m your girl.
And let me be frank, there are absolutely times when you should put on your self-compassion cape and save yourself from expectations and the demands of the to-do list. Despite how our culture worships the cult of productivity, it’s important to remember that your worth is not measured by what you accomplish.
I’ll repeat that: Your worth is not measured by what you accomplish (I need that reminder A LOT).
But there are other times when you know that what’s best for you in the long term—what will lead you a step closer to where you want to be—is to do the stupid thing you don’t want to do, and that to let yourself "off the hook" would really be you giving in to avoidance, distraction, or even fear. And that route doesn’t lead anywhere good.
So what do you do?
Do it grumpy.
This came to me last week when I was fighting a funky mood. I wanted to go for a walk but Netflix and the couch and wallowing in overwhelm felt much easier. I told myself I was too grumpy to walk. That’s right…too grumpy to walk.
Right after I said that to myself, I heard a different, calmer voice say, “then walk grumpy.”
Oh. Good point, wise self.
Even though I’d like to be the person who smiles joyfully as she sits down to write or laces up her sneakers, content and confident that she’s living her best life, the reality is that is not me. I grumble, I get anxious, I feel resistance all the time.
But I’m really tired of allowing that resistance to control me.
Instead of getting critical of myself about this, I need to make peace with this fact and realize that I don’t have to be anything other than what I am.
We learn from an early age in our culture that “negative” emotions are bad and therefore when they inevitably pop up for us, we feel bad for feeling them. This could be a whole rant in itself, but the gist is that shitty emotions happen and that’s okay and that doesn’t need to derail us from what we want to do.
Sitting down to write with dirty hair and a scowl may not fit the Instagram ideal of what my writing practice looks like, but so what? None of that is real anyway. And I don’t want an Instagram life, I want a real life.
I can be grumpy and still go for a walk. I can be sad and still do writing practice. I can be mad and still cook dinner. In fact, walking, writing, and cooking will likely help me feel better in all of these situations. But I have to start.
There will be times when I’m grumpy and what I really need is sleep or to talk to a friend or cuddle with Matt and watch Real Housewives of Orange County. But it’s freeing for me to know I can be in a shitty mood and still commit time and energy to actions that will take me forward.
Because I will have shitty moods.
And I do want to move forward.
And all of that is okay.
