I was supposed to write this yesterday.
I was supposed to do a lot of things.
Instead, I napped with a hot water bottle against my belly, scrolled through Instagram too many times, and watched a whole season of Nurse Jackie on Netflix.
I took ibuprofen every 4 to 6 hours for the cramps and the headache that lingered. I thanked god there was no migraine.
I believe our bodies tell us things, show us what’s really going on inside. When I put pressure on myself, that pressure manifests in my body. I know this. I also know that TV and caffeine and IG are a way to numb. I know this and still press “play next,” pour another cup, pick up my phone again.
Sometimes the line between self-care and self-avoidance is blurry.
I slept 11 and a half hours last night. I could not tell you the last time I’ve done that outside of having a migraine. I know I needed it though. The last couple weeks have been filled with 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, and I know that takes a toll.
This past week some major stressors flared up, emotions flared up, physical reactions flared up. My therapist asked how are you going to take care of yourself?
I know my yoga practice helps. I know meditation helps. I know writing helps. But having the energy to get to the mat, to the stillness, to the page sometimes feels impossible. Then the guilt from not having the energy zaps me even more. Everything feels farther away.
I’ve been in this cycle so many times.
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”
One of the migraine meditations I use says to not avoid the pain, but go into the pain. Resisting the present situation only breeds stress and tension. Embracing it lets it loosen.
I know the same is true for this cycle of avoidance and stress and guilt. If I fight the fact that I’m tired and stressed and feeling depleted then I only add more stress and exhaustion to my plate. If I drop my armor and just say: this is where I’m at and that’s okay, then I can soften to it.
I am still learning to soften.
Yesterday’s Netflix marathon did not feel like softening, it felt like avoiding my emotions. I didn’t do morning pages either, a sure sign I’m dodging what’s inside.
Like everything, not dodging is a practice. Meeting ourselves where we’re at is a practice.
Today I’m feeling drained, and raw, and imperfect, and behind on lots of to-dos. I’m feeling guilty for not going for a walk or doing yoga. That’s where I’m at.
And today I’m also not fighting or avoiding that. And I’m not trying to fix it. I’m just here—acknowledging it and letting it be.
Because I also know that everything is temporary, and that this moment will pass, and that I will be okay.
Trying to soften to the moment is how I’m taking care of myself today.
Also watching Southern Charm with Matt, and writing these words, and having hard conversations, and not rushing to put on real clothes.
This is not what I had planned on writing. This is not what I was “supposed” to have written. I’m not fighting that either. This is what came out on the page.
Like our bodies, our writing will tell us what’s going on, will tell us what we need. But first we have to drop the shoulds and the agenda. Drop the distractions and the guilt.
We have to show up and be willing to listen.
